Are we there yet?

You know it is not often that I find my self banging my head in frustration at the thought of food. So much in fact I may have self induced these headaches that occurred from time to time.  My cravings for meat were so out of control I needed a motivator, before I jacked someone's Ribeye from their grill.
I headed to the gym and decided to weigh myself. I sighed heavily as I stripped down to step on the scale. I made sure the scale was balanced before I stepped on- 227 pounds.
Disbelieving I stepped of made sure it was calibrated and stepped on again. Same numbers. I repeated this process for about five minutes, before putting my clothes back on smiling crookedly.
I had lost 11 pounds in 4 days.
I am excited, but as I sit today on day 5, I can't help but whine like a child,"Are we there yet?", because I am so ready to chew something already. I promise not to quit. With results like this, it would be self defeating. I was treated to a new juicer that provided more juice. I know I would not have been able to afford on my own. (Samson, you are an angel)
Only significant change other than the weight loss is the constant thirst I feel now. So I get to stay close to the bathroom for a couple days til this stage wears off.
So for now, I am bound to this very short leash of potty runs. Let's hear it for the ole' ball-n-chain.

New Juicer

So I went out and spent money on a brand new juicer. It is so quiet and makes my life easier with less prepping, because I just wash and juice. Of course if it's a melon, well I would still have to prep. I got 32 ounces rather than 12 from same fruit and vegetable yield. WAY more economical. While I was at the store I found myself getting irritated with everyone and for anything, as a nice headache settled in. 
I avoided the local Subway, even though its fresh baked deliciousness wafted under my nose. I actually bolted the opposite direction, for my success I mustn't cave! 
Once home we assembled the juicer and got cracking. I am pleased to say the least.
I made my son-n-law a spinach and cheese fritatta and sipped my juice. He even tried some and enjoyed it. 
After this, I am sure I will never be able to drink store bought juice again-ever. As I was thinking about the juicer afterwards, I finally got the courage to take before pictures. You hear that? It is the sound of hell freezing over.....

Will power of a puppy

I have to say that Day 3 of juicing has made me think about food around the clock. I am ashamed to say I shoved six dill pickle chips into my open gaping mouth hungrily. As I chewed I felt sweet bliss then the guilt of caving. IT WAS SIX PICKLES!! And yet- I torture myself. I have the juicing down to a science I believe, but cooking for anyone else is too tempting. I salivate like a wolf stalking an injured deer. 

I have not had detox headaches from caffeine or sugars, cause I don't drink sodas, coffee, energy drinks, nada. 

However, I do find myself craving bread, crackers, rice, anything to make this feeling of "blah" stop. I have discovered that when I am sad I crave fast food, and when I am way happy, I crave fast food. Angry, nervous, annoyed-all made me crave food.  When this is over I am sure I will have a whole new relationship with food, and probably a healthy respect for what I do and do not put into my body.

I already know that this was going to be hard, but the internal issues that surface are very emotional. So I am changing angles, and giving every thing a healthy dose of fresh perception. Right after I drink another healthy dose of juice.

New Beginnings

I have always loved beginnings. Whether it is the beginning of a story, a good meal, a steaming cup of coffee, or that first taste of chocolate that puts a smile on your face, beginnings are far better than endings. If one were to view starting over in their lives in the same way, perhaps our fears would be abated and more people would take the risks needed to truly live life and all it has to offer.

I have decided to do that very thing, in an effort to embrace this new journey in life that I may finally heal, and start living. I had spent most of my life as a caregiver or immersed in social work. In a nut shell, I spent my energy and time caring for others. As you can imagine, I became attached to my cell phone, and eating on the run. I would come home eat, watch television, answer my phone,and dash out the door. I became moody, and even withdrawn, I didn't want to socialize with people for fear of being"dumped" on. I know, you may be wondering,"Well what about sex?". I can honestly say, I like it, I love it, and would like some more of it. However as the stressors in my job piled on, so did the pounds, and inches. The real ass-kicker came when I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Systemic Lupus.

As you can imagine, the more stressed I became, the more health problems I had. This meant, I ate what was available, as it required little to no effort. I slept as soon as I could because my body, mind, and soul was wiped. Everyday, I promised the next day it would be better, and I would make changes. And here I am at 235 pounds at 5'4. I felt revolted when I walked by the mirror, and refused to wear anything that showed any bulge, or ripple. Then something unexpected happened. I lost my job. Just like that.

Suddenly it hit me, I was free-and I was broke. 

What happened next blew my mind. I got married by double proxy, to my best friend, while he was away with the Navy.  I took a self imposed trip to stay with Friends and family in Washington, to get fresh perspective. I got to be surrounded by people that had lots to say, but didn't want or need me to fix their problems. I found my zest for cooking again, and remembered I enjoy cleaning and organizing. Then I spoke to doctor, who actually recommended I watch a documentary based on this guy doing a 60 juicing fast. I watched in awe as his mental clarity changed and pounds dropped. He became ambitious and empowered. Most of all, he became healthy. I wanted that. I wanted that so bad, I cried as I watched in a kind of daze.

So here I am back in Ketchikan, Alaska and I am on day 2 of 60 towards my juicing completion. I have discovered two things. One, I am still a star-eyed girl, second that I still had some fight left in me.  What in the hell does any of that mean? Simply put, I am responsible for my own destiny, and I determine my self-worth. I don't need anyone to give me permission to love myself, others, or aspire to whatever I want. Things are never easy, especially in my life, but I am up for the challenge. Honestly, its the first challenge in a long time I have not looked for a way around it.

I am no longer waiting for someone to give me a sign that I should or shouldn't do something. So here I am again, at the beginning, and there is nothing sweeter.