New Beginnings

I have always loved beginnings. Whether it is the beginning of a story, a good meal, a steaming cup of coffee, or that first taste of chocolate that puts a smile on your face, beginnings are far better than endings. If one were to view starting over in their lives in the same way, perhaps our fears would be abated and more people would take the risks needed to truly live life and all it has to offer.

I have decided to do that very thing, in an effort to embrace this new journey in life that I may finally heal, and start living. I had spent most of my life as a caregiver or immersed in social work. In a nut shell, I spent my energy and time caring for others. As you can imagine, I became attached to my cell phone, and eating on the run. I would come home eat, watch television, answer my phone,and dash out the door. I became moody, and even withdrawn, I didn't want to socialize with people for fear of being"dumped" on. I know, you may be wondering,"Well what about sex?". I can honestly say, I like it, I love it, and would like some more of it. However as the stressors in my job piled on, so did the pounds, and inches. The real ass-kicker came when I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Systemic Lupus.

As you can imagine, the more stressed I became, the more health problems I had. This meant, I ate what was available, as it required little to no effort. I slept as soon as I could because my body, mind, and soul was wiped. Everyday, I promised the next day it would be better, and I would make changes. And here I am at 235 pounds at 5'4. I felt revolted when I walked by the mirror, and refused to wear anything that showed any bulge, or ripple. Then something unexpected happened. I lost my job. Just like that.

Suddenly it hit me, I was free-and I was broke. 

What happened next blew my mind. I got married by double proxy, to my best friend, while he was away with the Navy.  I took a self imposed trip to stay with Friends and family in Washington, to get fresh perspective. I got to be surrounded by people that had lots to say, but didn't want or need me to fix their problems. I found my zest for cooking again, and remembered I enjoy cleaning and organizing. Then I spoke to doctor, who actually recommended I watch a documentary based on this guy doing a 60 juicing fast. I watched in awe as his mental clarity changed and pounds dropped. He became ambitious and empowered. Most of all, he became healthy. I wanted that. I wanted that so bad, I cried as I watched in a kind of daze.

So here I am back in Ketchikan, Alaska and I am on day 2 of 60 towards my juicing completion. I have discovered two things. One, I am still a star-eyed girl, second that I still had some fight left in me.  What in the hell does any of that mean? Simply put, I am responsible for my own destiny, and I determine my self-worth. I don't need anyone to give me permission to love myself, others, or aspire to whatever I want. Things are never easy, especially in my life, but I am up for the challenge. Honestly, its the first challenge in a long time I have not looked for a way around it.

I am no longer waiting for someone to give me a sign that I should or shouldn't do something. So here I am again, at the beginning, and there is nothing sweeter.